I am a demon hunter like KPop Demon Hunters, but with one big difference: my demon is imaginary.

I am a demon hunter like KPop Demon Hunters, but with one big difference: my demon is imaginary.

I am still fighting my demons, like Rumi of KPop Demon Hunters does; while she is fighting actual demons, I am fighting demons of my own making. I am an introvert.

Just today, I went out to have lunch at a place that I frequent. After I entered the establishment, a quick scan showed me that I might have to go to a different place. It was during lunchtime, so most seats were occupied. The waitress guided me to a four-seater table, where one seat was already taken by an elderly man.

“May I take this seat?” I asked the elderly man in a respectful tone.

“Sure!” the elderly man replied, indicating that he had absolutely no problem with sitting with another stranger at the same table. Granted, he and I were sitting diagonally so that we wouldn’t have to awkwardly look at each other directly, which would force even the most timid of people to engage in small talk out of common courtesy.

As I sat down, my face putting up a socially acceptable smile, the elderly man added, “It’s only right for people like us who come alone during peak lunchtime to sit together.”

“Of course.” I immediately responded. I felt like a kid back in school who felt the urge to provide the correct answer to the teacher’s question. Even a moment of silence makes me feel inadequate.

Yet, I fell silent, which seemed like an eternity, as I racked my brains to keep the conversation flowing. As I took out the spoon and chopsticks from the silverware drawer on the side of the table and arranged them in front of me, I finally asked, “Did you come alone?”

What a stupid question! Of course he came alone. Didn’t he already say that before? Believe it or not, I do have a university degree.

The elderly man smiled and said, “Yes. I came here to…”

And the rest is a blur. He said something that I could not comprehend, but I pretended that I understood. I nodded and said, “I see”. He definitely did not ask me about my vision.

Why did I not ask him to clarify why he came to this part of the city? Was it because I’m shy? And an introvert? No. If I’m very honest, I didn’t want to appear dumb. Had I fully understood the purpose of his visit, I may have asked further about it, or added anything I knew about it to carry on the conversation. Since I did not even fathom what he said, I could not admit my lack of knowledge and therefore resorted to defending my self-esteem rather than having a meaningful conversation. Another opportunity of learning lost.

He even mentioned that it was his first time visiting the restaurant. That was definitely something I could have latched on to. How do you find this place? Will you be visiting again? Where do you live? What food do you usually have? What is your favorite food? Now, of course, I don’t have to become a show host and ask away tons of questions like Jimmy Fallon, but there were many ways to continue the conversation. But I chose not to. Instead, I ordered my food and ate it.

I would normally be on my smartphone while I eat, but somehow I thought it would be rude to do so in the presence of the elderly man, although we were not engaging in a conversation anymore. Our dishes were prepared, and our only tasks were to eat them.

Another opportunity revealed itself. Seeing that I tossed all of my portion of garlic chives (buchu) into my Budae-Jjigae, the elderly man offered his, saying that “I’m not going to eat this, and I didn’t touch it. So, you may have it if you want.”

As an agreeable introvert, I said, “Oh, thank you so much” with the biggest smile that required effort. How kind of him! Kindness should be reciprocated. But I was going to finish all of my side dishes, and there was nothing else to give back, not even a conversation.

Of course, protecting my self-esteem was not the entire reason for my lack of engagement in the conversation with the elderly man. I am normally very conscious of bothering others, and for some reason, I have it rigid in my mind that I am no good to others and that imposing myself on others will not be welcomed by others. I’m not sure why I think this way. I should probably see a therapist – if only my self esteem would let me. Hah.

There is no twist to this story. The elderly man finished his food first and got up. I said the generic words of farewell.

“Goodbye, sir, have a good day.”

“Thank you. You too.”

People may be introverted for many different reasons. In my case, I am introverted for reasons I can think of, but too lazy to explore. I have gotten a lot better. If it were the old me, I would not have even acknowledged the elderly man. I would have just sat down, ordered my food, and gone on my smartphone to watch a YouTube clip. I guess I should focus on the positives and improve bit by bit.

Demons, you shall all perish!